We Have Enough Water, Nothing to Worry About
4 min read
Plenty.
Last week the Federal Bureau of Reclamation announced a 6-point plan to preserve the water supply in Lake Mead and Lake Powell. Among the restrictions they imposed, some were extraneous.
- No more washing fruits and vegetables before you eat them
- No more washing the dog before/ after play
- No more washing clothes
Some of the recommendations even took a page out the UK’s water restriction guidelines which suggest watering your plants by using the water you use to clean your dishes.
- Saving water from brushing teeth
- Saving water from cleaning bong
- Saving water by recycling urine
Among the seven states that draw water from the Colorado River (Arizona, Nevada, New Mexico, Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, and California), California is the only state that has agreed to substitute water with urine to help ease the global warming crisis.
University of Santa Barbara research fellow Alan Durst said, “Urine is molecularly made of water. How bad could it be?” Durst holds a PHD in Soil and Chemistry from the University of Dayton.
During his tenure, Durst fielded projects across the San Fernando Valley collecting urine samples from the homeless, tasted the difference and measured the amount of salt in the air. Occasionally Durst would bring his work home, and his wife would help catalog the samples.
Durst goes on to say, “Urine could theoretically raise the low water levels found at hydroelectric dams across the world. If the fish are peeing in there, we should be able to too.”
In a peer-reviewed paper published by the University of Santa Barbara, co-authored by Durst, titled, “If I Could Just Pee in the River,” analyzed a compendium of trends associated with, “freeing the willy,” as Durst puts it.
“If we don’t start peeing in the river,” wrote the paper’s authors, which included a team of researchers from Uhaul State University’s Center for Colorado River Studies, Colorado State University and the University of Oxfarts, “it will dry up.”
Durst and his co-authors believe a demand for pee will continue to rise until the government steps in to act. “We’re giving out pee credits, tax credits, anything for you to bottle your pee and send it to us,” said Federal Bureau of Reclamation officer Antonista Spaghetti during a press release in May.
The biggest challenge, the paper stated, is “challenging people’s interpretation of the word ‘pee’ and shifting it to ‘river soda.’” Which is easier said than done because it requires a “deep understanding of the social and economic implications of changing a word.”
Part of a potential solution could lie in changing the way the government measures how much pee is contained in each cup.
The paper’s authors describe a new measuring approach in which a person takes a picture of their penis next to a ruler. It gives participants extra money for the amount that might still be left inside.
“It might only amount to an extra 1 or 2% payout, but it’s still an incentive” said Durst at a local homeless encampment.
Pissing Match
Last month, Bureau of Reclamation Commissioner Connie Taters announced that the payouts would increase on a sliding scale each month moving forward. Taters added that the federal government is prepared for taking people’s pee forcefully if they did not meet quotas.
An emerging market has popped up in response to the paper and the bureau’s press release.
Companies are now offering memberships and delivery options for pee related transportation. Most are offering 2-a-day pick-up windows, and provide the containers.
However, one company has proposed a tube that kind of works like the tube at the bank. You just fill it up, press a button, and SWOOSH instant pee delivery. The company provides installation of the pee tube for $2000, and a membership rate of $99/ mo.
Some companies have also started selling pills that will make you sweat piss, and special clothes to absorb and wring it out for later.
Environmental groups are split about the new river soda economy.
Guy Strefanbach, of Save the Colorado, called the new companies “Kinda weird, but we don’t have any other ideas, so I guess they’re ok.”
“The entire 3 block radius around these storage facilities smell like pee,” said Stephanie Hubbert, executive director of Arizona Wildlife Foundation. “We need to figure out a better way to save the river besides peeing in it.”
Hubbert added that if we were unable to figure out a different way, we should at least ban mountain dew from grocery stores and restaurants, which she called “acid for your body.”
Durst’s paper noted that mountain dew did in fact acidify urine.
“Mountain dew users have indicated that they are unable to reduce their consumption and are hell-bent on polluting the water supply for everyone else,” Durst and his colleagues wrote.
The paper also said that if we all just peed in the river all the time none of this would have ever happened, while noting there are conflicting interpretations of what a river is.
“Mountain dew users put the entire burden of climate change on non-mountain dew drinkers,” they wrote.
“We tried not to pick out the mountain dew users,” Durst said. But he added that river managers should be planning for a possible rebellion, which has increased the amount of mountain dew drinkers by 20%.
“The science on pH is pretty solid, and we need to start peeing in the river,” he said.
Article source(s):
