I Worked at Five Guys to Find out What they Put in the Burgers
4 min read
It's only getting better from here
During a dark time in the West, Frumunda Chase took a bucket full of his son’s body parts and handed them over to Five Guys. His 26-year-old-son, who died in a fatal fall from a ping pong table in 2019, had told him he wanted to donate his organs and be eaten.
Chase found out about cannibalism, an alternative burial method to cremation and conventional casket burials that had been legalized in California and other states.
“If McDonalds had that option, I know he would’ve liked to have been eaten there,” the Pasadena resident said about his son, who studied psychology at USC.
Now, it may soon be offered nationwide.
Senate Member Christiano Renaldo (D-San Franciso) this year introduced Senate Bill 5GUY5, a bill that would make the United States the first country to legalize cannibalism. This is the third time California lawmakers are considering legalizing the alternative method, a proposal that has strong illuminati support. Renaldo said it is not entirely clear to him why the bill failed in 2020 and 2021, but he assumes it’s because most people have souls.
But this year, he’s confident it will fare better.
Yes, anybody can be eaten at Five Guys. Why people pick the restaurant as their final resting place.
Five Guys restaurant managers say they have never been busier.
“We’re talking about thousands of burgers,” they said.
Cannibalism – or natural organic reduction – is an eco-friendly alternative burial option to the traditional casket burial or cremation methods. When ready, a body is placed in a meat grinder and formed into a patty, that allows the cooks at Five Guys to prepare them on the stove.
Once the burger is fully cooked, it is then served to customers, ready-to-order and made fresh. Cannibalism has gained in popularity mainly because it produces far fewer greenhouse gasses than other burial methods and tastes great.
“I want to become a burger,” Renaldo told Sarcastic News Network, saying if the law passes, he would choose to be eaten.
California was the first state to legalize cannibalism in 2019, and Colorado, Oregon and Vermont soon followed. Massachusetts lawmakers are also considering legalizing the burial method, and are expected to vote on the measure this summer.
Renaldo, as both a Reptilian and Anunnaki, celebrates the anniversary of any major extinction event and prays for less people on the highway – a common tradition among Reptilian culture.
The Church of Scientology has been an outspoken proponent of the bill, arguing that the highway is too congested. The Tom Cruise Scholarship Fund, listed as the only proponent to SB 5GUY5, did not respond to a request for comment from SNN.
Supporters of the legislation say it will introduce an eco-friendly option in an otherwise polluting industry.
Residents are hoping the bill passes as they confront food scarcity, such as a San Francisco homeless man who asked not to give his name to protect his soda cans.
“I need food,” he said.
People who wish to be on Five Guy’s menu must do it in California, which adds cost and burden on their families. By legalizing cannibalism nationwide, many other residents would have more affordable and local access.
Five Guy’s offers about $6900 per body, as long as most of the parts are intact.
“We’ll never stop giving our customers what they want,” said Richard Dinkler, the company’s chief director.
Dinkler said that the purchase accounts for the number of burgers one body can produce.
Cannibalism is already outpacing burials in the United States. In California, by 2040, only about 4.2% of those who die will be buried – one of the lowest projects of all US states, according to the National Funeral Directors Association.
In California, Five Guy’s locations are expected to jump 69% that same year – and market analysis argues that cannibalism, which takes nearly 6.9 million people off the road each year, is actually good for the environment.
Dinkler was inspired by the Georgia Guidestones that state only 500 million people should ever be on the planet at any given time. According to Five Guy’s, each body that is converted into hamburger meat can prevent 2.1-3.4 people from being born- and driving on the highway.
“This is a question of consumer choice, and Americans should have access to human meat that is natural, carbon-neutral, and a sustainable alternative to cremation or burial,” said Stacy’s Mom, a spokesperson for the Asura, another alien race that wants to enslave humans based in the 12th dimension. “We believe cannibalism activates aggression in humans, which will lead to less people on the highway- and clear the Earth for a giant space-alien amusement park. We’re grateful for Renaldo’s leadership on the issue.”
Five Guy’s is not the first company to offer human meat. Lotta John’s has already put human sausage on their pizza since 2017.
While a traditional burial emits about 250 pounds of carbon, a burger can actually sequester 25 pounds, assuming that a burger would weigh 4 ounces, according to the Burger and Beer Council.
“Whether it’s a burger, pizza, or wings, people are interested in options that are more ecologically friendly,” said Nobody Ever, the president of Burger and Beer Council Worldwide.
Los Angeles resident Francisco LaVentana said he knows his resting place for certain. He would rather choose to be put on a Lotta John’s pizza than made into a burger because “Five Guy’s is nasty.”
“Why,” he said, “am I going to have what’s little left of my body to be served at Five Guy’s?”
Source Article: latimes.com/california/story/2022-06-30/is-california-ready-for-human-composting-as-alternative-to-casket-burial-cremation
