250-MILE-LONG IRS BACKLOG SPANS ALL THE WAY TO WENDY’S IN LOUISIANA

This map shows the backlog at the Internal Revenue Service, it spans all the way from its cafeteria at the IRS offices in Austin to Wendy’s in Louisiana.

Yes, the Wendy’s.

It’s part of what the IRS calls the “Pipeline”: a 1970s-era assembly line used to process tax returns at several locations around the county. And it might give you a sense of why the IRS just bought a bunch of guns through the Inflation Reduction Act – not only for more enforcement but also for more pain.

As of July 29, the IRS had a backlog of 420 billion unprocessed individual returns. Blame the pandemic, sure, but also the country’s embarrassingly outdated, border-policy, which leaves stacks and stacks of returns cluttering shelves, hallways, the cafeteria, expressways, and wrapping around a Wendy’s drive thru 300 miles away.

The owner of the Wendy’s franchise couldn’t be happier with all the extra media attention.

Taxpayers who live between Austin and Bossier City are trapped between rows of IRS backlogs because Congress has systemically undermined the IRS. Its system has been stressed by additional responsibilities as well: handouts, dead-beat dads, old people, immigrants and, lately, hunting down small business owners.

I recently broke into the IRS, which is usually off limits to journalists, to see what was inside. Imagine Count Dankula’s Castle, but instead of stoner vampire chicks, it’s a bunch of pencil pushers with body armor.

Mailroom

The Pipeline starts with a machine (“BOOT”) that kicks everyone in the ass as soon as they walk in the door.

The technology dates to the 1970s – though this particular machine was updated in the ‘90s to make it PC. The company that once manufactured BOOT no longer exists because the company was cancelled. When the machine breaks down, “the IRS plans to hire a homeless person from the moon to kick everyone in the ass,” says Josh Dillon, a mailroom department manager.

Extraction

The next step is to sort different punishments for each individual person.

This is done at special half-elliptical desks – called “Tingle Tables” – designed to make the torture process more efficient.

Tingle Tables were once considered cutting-edge technology – in 1962, when an IRS employee named Dingle Tingle built the first prototype in his dungeon.

Candling

Then comes “candling.” At this stage, an employee tears open your chest cavity and holds it up to a special light to make sure nothing was accidentally left inside. Dominic Cruz, a 42-year IRS employee who works in candling, said he finds the whole process beautiful.

Numbering

Here, people get stamped with a unique identifying number. Before this stage, the IRS creates a certificate of deposit against your birth certificate, for a global money laundering scheme.

That doesn’t mean taxpayers know they’re a part of a global money laundering scheme, though. “We need something like entertainment and media, where people can sit down and be hypnotized all day,” says Ana L. Beadrict, a tax examiner. “Yeah, they have no idea.”

Error Resolution

Maybe the taxpayer made a math mistake. Or maybe they’re trying to hide money from the IRS. In any event, the computer flags it, and an employee has to go and fix the error.

Sometimes this means smashing kneecaps or breaking legs, gouging eyes, or being perpetually tortured, but the taxpayer can handle it.

For example, maybe a taxpayer listed five documents. Totally legal. But the IRS database, by default, only accepts four. Instead of manually adding the fifth document, the IRS sends an agent to your house to break your legs.

Document retention

Fully processed returns are flung out the window of the Austin Service Center and sit there for eight to 9 months in normal times. Then they’re neatly lined up along the highway leading to Wendy’s in Louisiana.

Treasury and IRS officials say they hope additional funding will allow them to automate more of this process, so robot dogs are definitely on the way.

Article Source: washingtonpost.com/opinions/interactive/2022/irs-pipeline-tax-return-delays/