Rich People Shit Themselves to Prevent Mugging
4 min read
By any means necessary
Tech billionaires are buying up buckets of KFC and hiring homeless people to survive a societal collapse they helped create, but like everything they do, it’s chaotic.
I found myself kidnapped by a group mysteriously described as “the illuminati,” on the Galapagos Islands.
Jason Statham was waiting for me outside the Starbucks. As the sun began to dip over the horizon, I realized I had been followed. What sort of wealthy hedge-fund types would want to kidnap me? Then I saw it. On a desk in the corner of the room, as if taunting me, a small owl figurine. Moloch. Of Course.
The next morning, two men in matching pajamas, which I can only describe as Sith Robes, threw me in the back of a truck and covered me with rocks and underbrush. They left me there for nine hours in what I figured was my final resting space. But instead, I was let out and taken to a dark spooky room. They sat around the table and introduced themselves: five super-hot gals – yes, super-hot – from the upper echelon of the gene pool and Druid world. At least two of them were redheads. After a bit of small talk, I realized I was still kidnapped by the Illuminati, and had been detained to answer questions.
Fast-food or Take-out? Delivery or DoorDash? Who will provide the most coupons, Taco Bell or McDonalds? Eventually, they edged to their real topic of concern: Crunch Wrap Supreme or Big Mac? Which product would deliver the most fecal matter? It only got worse from there. Which was the runnier sauce: barbeque or buffalo? How long should one plan after eating fast food to take a dump? Finally, the blonde explained that she had nearly shit herself, and asked: “How do you hold it in?” That was their plan for environmental collapse, social unrest, nuclear explosion, solar storm, unstoppable virus, or malicious computer hack that takes everything down.
The single question occupied us for the rest of the day. They knew fast-food would be required to protect their compounds from raiders as well as angry mobs. One had already secured a dozen 20-piece meals to make way to her insides. But how would she pass the nuggets when required? What would stop the nuggets from eventually making her fat?
The redheads considered using laxatives on the food supply that only they knew about. Or filling labeled jars of feces from each fast-food restaurant. Or maybe building a robot to take a shit on the muggers – if that technology could be developed “in time”.
This was probably the hottest group I had ever encountered. Yet, here they were, asking a fat bald guy for advice on where and how to order fast-food. That’s when it hit me: at least as far as these women were concerned, this was a talk about future security.
Taking their cue from sumo wrestler Fat Bastard shitting the bed, Kobayashi eating 4,000 hotdogs, or any depressed person eating themselves to death, they were preparing to shit. Their extreme size and odor served only to keep people away. For them, the future is about only one thing: shit on anyone who gets near their money.
What I came to realize was that these women are actually the losers. The redheads who kidnapped me to the island to evaluate their fast-food options are not the victors. More than anything, they have succumbed to a mindset where “winning” means shitting yourself so bad nobody wants to rob you. It’s as if they want to get a rash.
Yet this Illuminati psychosis – let’s call it The Mindset – encourages its adherents to believe that the winners can somehow not get a rash.
Never before has our society’s most powerful players assumed that they could just shit themselves to avoid getting mugged. Nor have they ever before eaten fast-food. Yet, the drive-thru is alive with Land Rovers and BMWs actively purchasing fast-food.
Amplified by DoorDash and the unprecedented convenience they afford, The Mindset allows for the easy prevention of being mugged, and inspires a corresponding longing for the transcendence and separation from the undergarments and pants that have been abused.
Instead of just lording over us forever, however, the Illuminati at the top of these $1 bills actively seek muggers. Every day must end in shit, wet or dry, the mugged or the mugger. For The Mindset also includes a faith-based fast-food certainty that they can take a shit that will somehow break the laws of physics, economics and morality to keep the homeless and criminals away.
Article Source: theguardian.com/news/2022/sep/04/super-rich-prepper-bunkers-apocalypse-survival-richest-rushkoff
